Choices Empowered

I get to choose. I have the power of choice. How empowering.
My words, my actions, the way I present myself. How intimidating.

My reactions-it is ALL my choice.
I can be as ignorant or as intelligent as I would like. I can pay my bills on time or let it slide; I can treat others any way I want- the choice is mine.

Admittedly, the consequence of a choice is not always known.
I choose to live with

Grace, Poise, Grit, and Tact

A farm with many different fruits and vegetables; many sorts, many colors, many different uses. Plenty to keep me entertained.  And I want people around with whom they can be shared.

August 15, 2019

Accountability vs Grace

07.19.19

A conversation took place today, one that caused me a lot of grief. After considering, and then re-considering, the question and balance of accountability vs. mercy and grace still continues to toy with my mind. 

While it is understood that everyone has good and bad days, it does not make laziness excusable. I was advised to look at the context of the situation, and that I will do. If the switch was flipped in my direction, would I want to be treated the same? What is the balance, where is the line?

Dreamed Conversations

I struggle for words as I try to express my pure emotion of shock and awe. I get to interact with people from all walks of life, I get to work with some of the most driven people I've ever met.
I've dreamed of conversations that are now becoming a reality.
I did not do anything to get this beautiful life, but I know who did, and I am forever grateful.

June 29, 2019

Allow Me My Sadness

It wasn't a particularly hard day at work, in fact, it was one of the smoothest my team and I have had in quite some time now. Which is why my tears did not make sense to me. By the end of the day, I felt so discouraged and alone. Working for hours in a literal dimly lit cage was the prime climate for my ill-intended thoughts to fester.

Fighting the urge to get someone's attention to help me escape my mind, because I knew I would be merely using them, I decided to fight the battle on my own.
I knew that if I had lingered, my insightful colleagues would end up asking the question that gets me every time, "Are you okay?", and I did not feel like shedding my tears in front of anyone; so I said my farewells and left quite quickly.

Sitting alone in my truck - I cried. Staring at this invisible wall in my head, wondering if I could ever get past it. Would I ever be able to change my behaviors, the way I present myself to those around me?
I saw where I wanted to be, but the tunnel leading up to it stretched longer and longer until I could bare it no more. Silent tears turned into just silence, and I fell into a peaceful sleep.

An hour later, I awoke with a soft breeze on my face. Still in the parking lot of my workplace.
I had allowed myself my sadness and found there to be nothing wrong with my silence.

JUNE 26.19

-NO SUBJECT-

The need for self-expression, the need to be heard. A desire to be seen, 

Is this a defect-needing to be cured?

Understand your fellow and he is likely to be your friend. 

Now that you care deeply for them, what then?

Why do we develop styles of our own?

Why do our interests desire to be shown?

You want to know my nagging fear?

Leaving the world without anyone knowing I was here. 

Wanting to connect with every living soul, but then not knowing how far

I'll actually go.

Every ounce of passion into my heart, my soul, my mind; 

Not generally accepted by most

Of mankind.

What a shame to miss out on the depths of life,
Just to keep our own shallow relationships alive.

The need for self-expression is an odd one at best.
What shall I do with this life?
I haven't figured it out,
YET

6.03.19

Vexing observations

Entertained. Intrigued. VEXED.
Inspired and energized by the world that surrounds.
If I could make a slight comparison, the world around me, enhanced.
What then was the cause? Dare I try to remember, lest I forget.

I oft wonder if people realize the degree to which I pay attention. My memory serves me well. For if not present in the current moment, it will be revealed by the twentieth or so time it replays in my mind. Hindsight is 20/20, my friend. Studying knowledge is intriguing, but putting it into action is even more fascinating to behold.

Eyes like a video camera, mind like a hard drive. To make any sense at all, one has to know to understand, all the while understanding to know.

May 21, 2019

Inward Reflection

I want to inspire people to chase their dreams.
I want to show people that they are "fearfully and wonderfully made".
I want to encourage ans I want to edify.
And I want to know how...

So I turn my attention to myself. 

What inspires me?

How do I know I am "fearfully and wonderfully made"?

When do I feel encouraged? 

When do I feel edified?

It is here we get into the meat and bones of the topic. 

For this requires much thought. 

.Date unknown.

Passionately Wrong

Understanding, and the lack of it. To know and to understand, but also to know that you don't understand. Doing a thing fullheartedly can have it's pros, but also its's cons-it is possible for one to be passionately wrong. As I have discovered.
Thinking that you want a certain outcome or thinking you know how to get it, going for it and not being aware of the possible pitfalls.

-Don't lose your caution-

Consider the opposite before making a decision. Be thankful for the grace you are freely given and be generous in the grace you reciprocate. 

May 6th, 2019

Speak by listening

Satisfied. Intrigued. Entertained.

Undeserving of whats been given me? Yes.
Isn't that what makes it so much more beautiful? Indeed.

Learning, it makes all the difference. Could I have predicted this outcome? Never. Did I hope for it? Absolutely.

Towards the beginning of the current year, I met with some friends to create what is called a "vision board". I found myself slightly inquisitive towards the end of the night. While they both had created masterpieces, mine was mostly blank with only 3 items drawn onto it. But I did not feel insignificant. There was an odd sense of satisfaction that I could not exactly put my finger on. My first aspiration was to create music - my other two, "invest in others" - "balance".
I have not been disappointed. To speak, I have learned to listen. Laboring to plant the seeds, but then also stepping away to let them grow.

Balance, patience, and appreciation.

5. 1. 19

Colorless

As I entered a new room, my eyes were met with a familiar face. Busy about his work, I hardly thought my presence was noticed. I walked quietly, hoping to not disturb his focused silence.
No words were necessary- for we both had a developed appreciation of the unsaid. I settled in a chair beside him.

Sitting back in my chair, I began to notice old figurines - dolls - kids toys. There were many of them, all lined up next to the space in which he was working. A quick glance in his direction told me that my actions were not noticed.
"Interesting", I said to myself...suddenly I saw something that made me gasp. An old sculpture I had molded in my high school days. Why was it here? Unable to resist, I picked it up and turned it in my hands - this was mine - how did he get it? - and why was it spray painted grey?
Pushing it back into its original place, I sat back in my chair again - they were all spray painted grey.
Confused, I turned and inquired, "Who's are these?!" It came out louder than expected and I was met with a grim sigh. "I guess you'll be leaving now", he said.

Running out of time to look for clues, I frantically looked around the room. There! There was something stuck to the front side of the desk with all the colorless children's toys. A picture.
The photograph embodied to small children, a girl and a boy, embraced on either side of him, their faces covered with joy, and his - with pride.
I stood in disbelief. I stumbled on my words..."you had kids?"

Slowly, he turned in his chair, his entire body facing mine. His eyes seemed to lock on target, creating a sense of peaceful ignorance of what was to come. "I would like for you to leave now."

Sounding more like advise than a threat, I left.

4.19.19